A Swamp News anchor animal: Thanks to our intrepid Swamp News reporter, Mary Mole, for smuggling out a recording of a recent meeting at the headquarters of Vixen News.

Bill o’Rabbit: You all saw how President Hillary Hailstone has said that the Robert Raccoon report gives her “Total exoneration! Complete vindication!” What say you?

(A flurry of grunts, growls, howls, and shrieks).

Piranha Pirro: Order in the swamp!

Sean Squirrel: C’mon, this is Hillary! Whitewater! E-mails! Benghazi!

Bill o’Rabbit: Supporter of rich rapists!

Crocodile Coulter: Liar! Crooked!

Sean Squirrel: Besides, Raccoon didn’t clear her. He handed his report to Attorney General Hedgehog Holder, who put together this travesty of a summary.

Tucker Turtle: A black day in America!

Piranha Pirro: Hedgehog says he needs time to review the report before making it available. Do you really trust him not to bury incriminating evidence?

Sean Squirrel: Look, evidence of collusion is all over the swamp. The intelligence community knows that Russia wanted Hillary to win. Remember “Russia, if you’re listening?” The meetings. The lies about the meetings. Hillary’s former campaign director sharing polling data with a business associate linked to Russian intelligence. Lies, lies, and more lies.

Walleye Wallace: Look, given the circumstances, charging President Hailstone with conspiracy is tantamount to charging her with treason. Hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. It’s probably good news that Mr. Raccoon didn’t charge her—

(Howls of “Lock her up! Lock her up!”

Tucker Turtle: No justice, no peace!

Walleye Wallace: As for obstruction—

Piranha Pirro: Of course she obstructed. In plain sight!

Crocodile Coulter: If Hillary was successful at obstructing justice, it may well be impossible to prove that a crime was committed. So Hedgehog’s argument that no crime equals no obstruction is absurd!

Walleye Wallace: Ultimately, it will be up to Congress—

Bill o’Rabbit: But that Hedgehog Holder hack has queered the process by giving an opinion before Congress—

Piranha Pirro: (pointing to a TV monitor): What’s up with those MAMA hats?

(Image of Hillary Hailstone at a podium in Michigan surrounded by adoring fans wearing hats with the word “MAMA” emblazoned on the back of each hat.)

Crocodile Coulter: Ugly.

Bill o’Rabbit: How can Hailstone claim the motherhood mantra when she supports the murder of unborn babies?

Piranha Pirro: Then there’s Sage Smollett.

Tucker Turtle: Another black day in America!

Crocodile Coulter: Smollett says he’s been totally cleared.

Piranha Pirro: Nonsense! The Chicago DA cut a plea deal with him. Pure cowardice!

Sean Squirrel: Hey, Smollett, you ever heard about not bearing false witness?

Walleye Wallace: Look, I’m not sure Sage would have been convicted of any charges if the case went to trial.

Crocodile Coulter: That’s a crock!

Walleye Wallace: Prosecutors would have had to overcome the mistrust that most African Americans have towards Chicago law enforcement.

Bill o’Rabbit: O.J. Sycamore all over again.

Tucker Turtle: Another black day. But we shall overcome.

Walleye Wallace: Two controversial cases within days. Parallels, perhaps?

Hillary Hailstone’s voice (blaring (from the TV monitor): The party of deplorables have to now decide whether they will continue defrauding the public with ridiculous bullshit.

(Cheers thunder throughout the Michigan venue as fans wave their “MAMA” hats. Howls of horror from inside the Vixen studio.)

Hailstone Hillary (from the TV monitor): The crazy attempt by the deplorables and their fake Christian allies to overturn the results of the 2016 election have failed! They must be held accountable!

(Roars of “Lock them up!” and “Mama! Mama!” cascade through the Hillary audience.)

Piranha Pirro: Mama mia!

Sean Squirrel: How dare Hillary use profanity!

Bill o’Rabbit: More coarsening of the culture.

Tucker Turtle: Another dark day in America.

Crocodile Coulter: But what’s the meaning of “MAMA?”

(Joyous shrieks of “Mama! Mama! Mama!” from the TV monitor.)

Piranha Pirro: Make America more assinine!

Walleye Wallace (pointing to the monitor): No. It stands for Make America More—

Crocodile Coulter: Adorable, probably.

Walleye Wallace: No. Awesome. Make America more awesome.

Sean Squirrel: Pandering to the Gen. X snowflakes.

Bill o’Rabbit: But we represent solidly Christian family values at the foundation of America’s greatness.

Tucker Turtle: God bless America.