Swamp News — Helsinki Hill

For the past two years, zoologists have clashed bitterly over the existence of the trumputin.

On the Brian Birdsong show, a panel of zoologists described the controversy surrounding this alleged two-headed beast with four legs. Connected at the hip, it reportedly lurches about hurling curses and poisoned darts at its enemies.

“Everybody agrees on the existence of the trumpitus,” zoologist Thom Treefrog explained to Mr. Birdsong. “It’s classified as Donaldissimus Trumpitus, and it’s best known for building complex structures that destroy everything around them. It rules a powerful empire from sea to shining sea.”

“And everybody agrees on the existence of the Vladimirium Putinum,” Mr. Treefrog continued. “More commonly known as the putinum, it has a long history of slashing and poisoning its enemies while sowing discord among wildlife around it. It rules the less powerful Northern Kingdom.”

“But profound disagreement exists concerning whether these beasts mated to form the trumputin,” zoologist Cricket Coulter explained. “On one hand, the trumputin shares traits of both the trumpitus and the putinum. A love of power that comes from being feared. A knack for destroying everything around them. A lust for more and more power.”

“But Bernie Bullfrog is the only one who claims to have seen the trumputin in its habitat — before dying mysteriously,” Ms. Coulter continued. “And the only image available is murky, provoking charges that the image is fake.”

“The trumputin doesn’t exist,” scoffed Devin Tadpole on the Sean Squirrel show. “It’s just an excuse for scientists to run from their claims of global warming. Or climate change. Or whatever the PC term is for the phenomenon that doesn’t exist. We should continue to investigate how their treachery nearly cost the life of the noble trumpitus.”

“We’re not sure that the trumputin truly exists,” explained Rachel Mudpuddle, her voice quavering slightly. “But we need to investigate to determine its whereabouts, and to figure out what we can do to defend ourselves from this poisonous force.”

Recently, this controversy became even more heated when numerous zoologists claimed to have spotted the trumputin as it emerged from a cave under Helsinki Hill. Standing on top of its temporary lair, it is quoted to have said the following:

“We should jointly investigate accusations of tampering with the politics of the empire between the seas,” the putinum roared as the Trumpitus’ head nodded vigorously.

As the putinum head smiled broadly, the trumpitus head brayed that Robert Raccoon stop ferreting about for evidence for crimes that, the head said, every swamp creature knows weren’t committed. “After all,” the trumpitus head continued, “the putinum head has powerfully denied any skullduggery.”

As the trumpitus head looked on with a glazed look in its eyes, the putinum head cooed that it looked forwarded to implementing the agreement they had come to in the cave under the hill about how to address the Syrian swamp.

“I have personally repaired the sour relationship between the Empire between the Seas and the Northern Kingdom in four hours,” the trumputin head twittered, bowing before the putinum head, which rolled its eyes and snickered.

But even as the trumputin staggered off Helsinki Hill in a bear-hug, many people still question its existence.

“This meeting proves that the trumpitus is still are fearless and beneficent leader,” croaked Possum Pence, the vice-president of the Kingdom Between the Seas.

“Viva le trumputin!” countered columnist Pat Pawprint. “We should do all we can to encourage it to flourish. It will knit together our two kingdoms, destroy the elites, and bring about world peace!”

Everyone interviewed for this story do agree on one thing.

All the world’s a swamp.