Six months after marrying Lisa, we received an e-mail inviting us to take part in a Marriage Encounter weekend. When she suggested we attend, I told her that conservative Christian radio hosts who preach that wives should submit to their husbands regularly promoted the program. She suggested that I express my concerns to those organizing the weekend.

“No,” the organizer told me, “we don’t discuss submission; it’s too controversial.”

So Lisa and I arrived late and out of breath at the hotel where the conference would take place due to last-minute hassles with the kids. However, we were welcomed warmly, and were soon sitting with several other couples in a carpeted conference room. After introductions, the leaders (four married couples, including a retired pastor and his wife) explained how the weekend would go. They spoke about the importance of communicating on both the “thoughts” and “feelings” channels. They told us that we would be asked to write down our reactions in a notebook to be shared with our spouses.

The program began in earnest the following morning. After a greasy breakfast, the four “leader couples” shared stories with us about communication, addressing conflicts, finances, grieving, sex (called “intimacy” and stripped of all passion), commitment, and other marital challenges. Approximately once every hour, they asked us to write down our reactions which we shared privately with our spouses during breaks that always seemed to be too short..

“The stories are interesting, even moving sometimes,” I told Lisa shortly after lunch, “but it feels kind of mechanical.”

“They’re reading from a script,” she told me. “I bet the Mother Ship has to approve of every word that’s spoken.”

Towards the end of the day, Lisa entered our room sobbing. Startled, I put the book I was reading aside, leapt off of the bed, and moved towards her. “What’s wrong?”

“I hate it when people treat you badly because you’re blind,” she wailed.

I stood still, not knowing what to do or say.

Between sobs, Lisa listed small but irritating things: people asking her instead of me what I wanted when ordering food at a restaurant; ignoring what I said; failing to believe my accomplishments; patting my guide dog while in harness–

“Honey, it’s OK.” I put my arms around her. “These things are annoying, but I’ve sorta gotten used to it.”

“But it’s not fair.”

“You’re right; it’s not fair, but–“

“Are you all right?” one of the leaders called through the door. “We’re waiting for you in the conference room.”

The following morning began with a brief church service, another greasy breakfast, and more storytelling. After a break, the leaders explained that wives should submit to their husbands because every relationship required a leader, a role that God created for men. I cringed as each of the couples talked about how wives’ submitting played out in their marriages.

“I know it’s controversial,” the retired pastor exhorted, “but it is what the Bible says.”

“No, it’s your interpretation of the Bible,” I mumbled, reaching for Lisa’s hand. It was icy.

Shortly afterwards, we were given thirty minutes to write a love letter to our spouses which we would privately share with each other during the following 45 minutes. In my letter, I thanked Lisa for helping me fit in with her three children, a standard poodle, and a python named Monty. I also listed everything I could think of that I loved about her.

When I returned to the room, however, I sensed smoke coming out of Lisa’s ears as she stalked across the carpet. “How can they believe such crap?” she railed.

“I know,” I said, trying not to smile. Lisa’s anger can be funny as long as it’s not directed towards me and when I believe she is right.

“Don’t they understand how this belief can encourage men to be abusive and discourage women from leaving an abusive relationship?”

“I know–“

“And how come they haven’t mentioned spousal abuse or marital rape?”

“I agree with you. And beyond that, it’s terrible advice for any marriage.”

“And how can they judge people who are divorced?”

“I know–“

“And that organizer said they wouldn’t talk about submission–“

“What I find especially annoying,” I told her, “is that far less emphasis is placed on the husband’s responsibility: to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Among other things, Christ died for the church; how many husbands would die for their wives?”

After lunch, we received the Marriage Encounter sales pitch. “You should give us more money so that others can benefit from this program,” they insisted. They also gave us advice concerning how to encourage other couples to take part in future weekends.

“Invite them to dinner,” they suggested, “and during the second spoonful of chocolate ice cream–“

“Why not the third spoonful?” Lisa muttered in my ear as I tried not to smirk.

“They’re like a cult,” Lisa said as we decided to cut our contribution in half.

Ironically, the cult-like qualities of the Marriage Encounter weekend strengthened our marriage. Over time, I became better at connecting with Lisa’s feelings as we continued to work through the “wives-submit-to-your-husbands” issue. I also became more comfortable sharing my frustrations and accepting her support whenever I experienced a small indignity connected to my blindness.

Shortly after the weekend, I began receiving regular (usually daily) e-mails containing short inspirational quotes from an evangelical Christian perspective. Recently, an e-mail list has been set up for anyone interested in receiving these words of wisdom; if interested, please send a blank message to:

wfgh-join@gatewayfortheblind.com

I hope many of you will take advantage of this opportunity.