First Four (Dayton, OH)

16 Farleigh Dickinson Knights 16 Prairie View A&M Panthers

Humans always better than animals. Knights win.

11 Belmont Bruins 11 Temple Owls

Belmont in red state. Winners!

16 North Dakota State Thunder 16 NC Central Eagles

Eagles win! USA! USA! USA! USA!

11 Arizona State Sun Devils 11 St. John’s Red Storm

Devils always bad, even when they bask in the sun. Red Storm wins.

*****

East Region (Washington, DC)

First Round

1 Duke Blue Devils 16 NC Central State Eagles

Eagles fly high over those Devils who color themselves blue. Those demons will soon roast in Hell.

2 8 Virginia Commonwealth Rams 9 UCF Knights

Barbecue those Rams, Knights! Savor the victory.

5 Mississippi State Bulldogs 12 Liberty Flames

Onward Christian Soldiers, marching off to war! Liberty U. wins.

4 Virginia Tech Hokie 13 Saint Louis Billikens

Both names are weird, but St. Louis is in a red state. SLUs win.

6 Maryland Terrapins 11 Belmont Bruins

Terrapins are turtles that Deadheads adore! They lose.

3 LSU Tigers 14 Yale Bulldogs

Bulldogs appetizers for Tigers. Chomp. Chomp.

7 Louisville Cardinals 10 Minnesota Golden Gophers

Both wimpy animals, but got to please Senator McConnell. Congrats, Cardinals.

2 Michigan State Spartans 15 Bradley Braves

We beat those Braves (American Indians) a long time ago. Spartans are true warriors from the good old Greek glory days! They’re winners.

Round of 32

NC Central State Eagles advance. While the UCF Knights are courageous and noble, the Eagles are superpatriotic birds. MAGA!!!

Liberty Flames scorch those Billikens! No contest.

LSU Tigers defeat Belmont Bruins. No one knows what a Bruin is, anyway.

Michigan State Spartans vanquish McConnell’s Cardinals; humans over animals almost every time.

Sweet 16

Liberty Flames scorch NC Central State Eagles. Warrior God (and Jerry Falwell Jr.) rule!

Michigan State Spartans shoot to death LSU Tigers. Humans over animals.

Elite Eight

Liberty Flames subjugate Michigan State Spartans. (Sorry, Spartans, Zeus and the rest? fake gods!

*****

West Region (Anaheim, CA)

First Round

1 Gonzaga Bulldogs 16 Farleigh Dickinson Knights

Humans over animals. Knights prevail.

8 Syracuse Orange 9 Baylor Bears

Orange win! President Trump’s color.

5 Marquette Golden Eagles 12 Murray State Racers

Racers race, but Eagles soar wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. USA! USA! USA! Win! Win! Win!

4 Florida State Seminoles 13 Vermont Cadamounts

Vermont? Really? Losers.

6 Buffalo Bulls 11 St. Johns Red Storm

While both teams are in a blue state, one features the color red. Johnies win.

3 Texas Tech Raiders 14 Northern Kentucky Norse

Raiders raid and win. And Norse … norse?

7 Nevada Wolf Pack 10 Florida Gators

Gators are meaner winners — and they rule the swamp!

2 Michigan Wolverines 15 Montana Grizzlies

Grizzlies are meaner, and Montana is a red state. Grizzlies win.

Round of 32

Syracuse Orange peel the skin off the Farleigh Dickinson Knights; orange is, after all, the color of power.

Marquette Golden Eagles defeated those Seminoles a long time ago.

Texas Tech Raiders quell those New York City AOC Commies. Red Storm Rising indeed!

Florida Gators drown those Montana Grizzlies. They are the rulers of the swamp.

Sweet 16

Syracuse Orange subdue the Marquette Golden Eagles in a tweet storm.

Texas Tech Raiders devour the Florida Gators after frying them in oil. Humans over animals.

Elite Eight

Syracuse Orange subdue the Texas Tech Raiders. Orange Trumps all.

*****

South Region (Louisville, KY)

First Round

1 Virginia Cavaliers 16 Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs

Cavaliers conquer! And do bulldogs really run?

8 Mississippi Rebels 9 Oklahoma Sooners

Rock on, Confederate Rebels! Rock on! Keep winning!

5 Wisconsin Badgers 12 Oregon Ducks

Wisconsin is more red than Oregon. And ducks barbecue well. Badgers triumph.

4 Kansas State Wildcats 13 UC Irvine Anteaters

Anteaters? Really? Losers.

6 Villanova Wildcats 11 Saint Mary’s Gaels

Everyone knows that female saints don’t exist. Wildcats win.

3 Purdue Boilermakers 14 Old Dominion Monarchs

Monarchs rule! And win!

7 Cincinnati Bearcats 10 Iowa Hawkeyes

Bearcats more vicious winners than the eyes of hawks.

2 Tennessee Volunteers 15 Colgate Raiders

Our military is all-volunteer! They’re winners!

Round of 32

Mississippi Rebels create more chaos than Cavaliers.

Kansas State Wildcats are more vicious than Wisconsin Badgers. (Is there such a thing as Badger cheese?)

Old Dominion Monarchs mount rocket launchers to incinerate Wildcats. Kaboom!

Tennessee Volunteers trounce Bearcats. Humans over animals!

Sweet sixteen

Mississippi Rebels’ yells silence Wildcats’ yowls.

Tennessee Volunteers outfox Old Dominion Monarchs. The real strength is in the military.

Elite Eight

Mississippi Rebels outmaneuver the Volunteers. Military too bureaucratic.

*****

Midwest Region (Kansas City, MO)

First Round

1 North Carolina Tar Heels 16 Iona Gaels

Tar is residue of oil. The more oil, the better. Keep digging in those Heels, Tarheels.

8 Utah State Aggies 9 Washington Huskies

Utah is solidly red. They’re winners despite Mitt.

5 Auburn Tigers 12 New Mexico State Aggies

Tigers eat Aggies. Every time.

4 Kansas Jayhawks 13 Northeastern Huskies

Elizabeth Warren is from Boston. Losers!

6 Iowa State Cyclones 11 Ohio State Buckeyes

Cyclones promote the idea of climate change. Losers! Buckeyes buck the tide.

3 Houston Cougars 14 Georgia State Panthers

Texas more important than Georgia in 2020. Houston wins.

7 Wofford Terriers 10 Seton Hall Pirates

Pirates plunder and prevail.

2 Kentucky Wildcats 15 Abilene Christian Wildcats

Sorry, Rand. Christians rule.

Round of 32

Heels Tar Utah State Aggies. Oil very important. MAGA!

Auburn Tigers eat Jayhawks. Cats eat birds, after all.

Houston Cougars trample Buckeyes. Animals over plants every time.

Abilene Christian Wildcats convert Pirates to the Prosperity Gospel, and they become allies due to their joint thirst for conquest.

Sweet 16

Tar Heels cover Tigers in, well, Tar. They win.

Abilene Christians blow away Wildcats. Humans more important than animals.

Elite Eight

The Abilene Christians upset the Tarheels. They win! They wiiinnn! God, of course, controls the oil.

*****

Final Four

Syracuse Orange flame out. Liberty wins!

Abilene Christians win over the Rebels! After all, Satan is the consummate Rebel. Praise the Lord!

Final!

In an epic battle, the Liberty Flames, with an assist from a blinding Orange glow, overpower the Abilene Christians/Pirates alliance.

Amen!